Attention! Breaking news
The world is getting worse
And you are too
Yeah, attention! Breaking news
The cats are all gone
So is the color blue
Yes, attention! Breaking news
You just got gum stuck to both of your shoes
Yeah, attention! Breaking news
Over half of the time you will always lose
New research says you annoy all of your friends
You're behind on the latest collectible trends
The trees burned down
There are no more trees
The sky is turning purple
And the kids are catching fleas
Now, for tonight's top story
Theme park terror strikes at freedom kingdom
The animatronic Abraham Lincoln
From the presidential log ride
Has reportedly escaped the park
Police are reporting that the android removed the rubber faces
From the rest of the animatronic presidents
And was last seen boarding a shuttle headed off-world
Officials are warning all citizens of neighboring planets
To report any suspicious activity
The android is presumed armed and dangerous