Book Boyfriends

Yeah
This one's about my wife, heh
And her infinite men
Her Kindle's basically a brothel at this point
'Kay, hey, hey

My wife ain't cheating, but her Kindle sure is
'Cause she's got 30 fake dudes all calling her miss
There's a fae king, a wolf shifter, a demon on deck
And a vampire who's somehow always kissing her neck

She laughs, kicks her feet, gets all blushy and warm
While I'm in the kitchen fighting Tupperware like a storm
I'm like, babe, you good? She's like: O-M-G, wait
The orc just picked her up, like she's his fated mate!

Girl, how I'm supposed to compete with that?
These dudes got wings, tattoos, and stamina stats
Meanwhile, I'm over here with back pain and snacks
At night, whoa

My wife got book boyfriends lined up in rows
She could start a damn army with the men she chose
Every night, she's like: O-M-G, new toy!
And I'm just standing here like: Girl, what about your boy?
She got a harem, a whole damn crew
Six in every book, and she reads book two
She don't need reality, she got her joys
A library full of delicious boy toys (look, babe)

Look, babe, don't take it so rough
Just 'cause my book-men are a little more buff
They got claws, magic, fangs, torsos carved like art
You got dad jokes, snack crumbs, and a good heart
Which is cute, but these men be like: My queen, my mate
Let me worship you all night with unholy fate'
Meanwhile, you're like: Babe, want a DoorDash fry?
I love you, boo, but these men got thighs

She'll finish a series and swear she's fine
Then 30 minutes later, she's got a new man online
I ask, who's he? She says: Oh, just a prince
Then shows me a cover with a dude who's all rinse and ripped
She says: Babe, he's sweet, and he calls her his treasure
Girl, if I talked like that, you'd call 9-1 for pressure
But, hey, if she's happy with her little book clan
I guess I'm okay being boyfriend number (turns, damn, ten)

My wife got book boyfriends stuffed in her brain
I swear, if they paid rent, we'd be rollin' in gain
She dimples, giggles, screams: Oh my God!
While I'm just sitting there feeling oddly flawed
She got a harem, a magical squad
Each one built like a Roman Greek God
She don't need reality, she got her joys
Stacked like Jenga with her pretty boy toys

She says: Babe, he's sweet, and he calls her his treasure
Girl, if I talked like that, you'd call 9-1 for pressure
But, hey, if she's happy with her little book clan
I guess I'm okay being boyfriend number (ten), damn, ten

My wife got book boyfriends stuffed in her brain
I swear, if they paid rent, we'd be rollin' in gain
She dimples, giggles, screams: Oh my God!
While I'm just sitting there feeling oddly flawed
She got a harem, a magical squad
Each one built like a Roman Greek God
She don't need reality, she got her joys
Stacked like Jenga with her pretty boy toys

Look, babe, I get it
They're fictional, don't cry
I'm not crying, just heavily hydrated in the eye
You'll always be my main character, babe
Until the next series drops
Probably