5 Poofs And 2 Pianos

Yesterday I spent about an hour and a half trying to write up the lyrics to tim minchin's excellent song that he wrote and performed on friday night with jonathon ross

Obviously I don't want to infer that being invited onto friday night with wossy isn't wonderfully affirming
And I know I 'orta
Appreciate the risk you took the bookers who agreed to book a chap
Who tends to talk about the kind of things that get the bbc, in hot water

And I don't want to seem greedy, I'm just saying
I'd like to be here every week, if that's ok and if you hear me out
I think I've got a way in which we could do it pretty easily
You could leave all the boring details to me

It's a brilliant idea, a truly original concept
No one in britain has ever done anything like it, yeah
Picture this
Imagine if we had

5 Poofs and 2 pianos
Yeah, it's a wicked idea
Why settle for a quartet of queers
When there's a possibility of a penta-poofter-piano-posse here

5 Poofs and 2 pianos
Yeah, it'll be ace
A 100% more pianos
And 25% more gays

I know, I know
I've seen the problem too
There's a rumour, I am straight it's true
It hurts to admit it, but I'm about as bent as wossy himself... Or 50 cent

But I've already thought it through
D'you know there's preachers in america who reckon they can do
Sexuality conversions, I've heard them assert
They can cure a man of trouser love and turn him onto skirt

But I don't see why they couldn't pull the same trick in reverse
And we'd have

5 Poofs and 2 pianos
Yeah, it's a revolution
Probably the best solution
To the problem you're inevitably having with an even number of homosexuals

Yes I know
Your producers might suspect
That the license paying public will object
To the corporation having yet another homosexual to pay

The daily mail will bring the big guns out
Jan moir will be frothing at the mouth
Writing further brilliant stuff about
The myth of being both happy and gay

But all that moral indignation
Will disappear when they see
Those 4 lovely guys and me
Singing in perfect harmony

And all those angry letter writers
Like disgusted from the isle of wight
And mad from hull and outraged from leeds
And slightly annoyed from berwick-on-tweed

Will instantly change their tune
They'll be bleeding heart liberals by saturday noon
They'll be giving their grandchildren up for adoption
In the hope that gay married couple will adopt them

They'll be putting rainbow stickers on their cars
And cutting holes in the arse of their leather strays

Watching 2 pianos and 5 guys
Watching 2 pianos and 5 guys
Watching 2 pianos and 5

5 Poofs and 2 pianos
Yeah, it'll be grand
You can never have too many pianos
Or too much man

5 Poofs and 2 pianos
And maybe would could out jamie cullum
Make it a trio of pianos
And a big gay half-dozen