My Condemned Past

I was born
But not welcomed
He was there
But never present

I cried
He ignored
I learned early
That I was alone

No hands to protect
No words to guide
Only orders
And cold looks

I grew
Without a father
Only a shadow
That shared my blood
Years passed
Nothing changed
He spoke when necessary
Never when it mattered

I watched other lives
Families pretending to care
Mine was quiet
And rotten inside
Seven years ago
Death entered again
My grandfather fell
From his side of the blood

Not much was said
Not much was felt
The house stayed the same
Empty but breathing

Then my great-grandmother
From the same broken line
Another grave
Another silence
Another victim from gold, slavery, hypocrisy spirit believer

They lowered the bodies
I stayed standing
No comfort
No arms around me

The boy learned mourning
Without guidance
He stood at graves
Learning nothing changes

Three years ago
Another funeral
My grandmother
From his side

I went
Because I had to
I stood near the coffin
Feeling nothing and everything

He picked me up
Like responsibility
Not love
Not concern

He speaks of care
But his eyes are empty
Fake love
Worse than hate

He says the right words
At the wrong times
To look human
To feel clean

You never knew me
You never tried
You never wanted
Anything real

I lived beside you
But never with you
Blood does not mean bond
And I learned that well

I carry graves in my memory
Not to honor
But to remember
What was missing

Each death
Another proof
That I was raised
By absence

Condemned past
Condemned blood
Condemned name
Condemned love

Condemned past
Condemned blood
Condemned name
Nothing left

He walks forward
With a broken history
Not angry
Just empty

What was denied
Cannot be returned
What never existed
Cannot be mourned

I don't seek forgiveness
I don't seek repair
I accept what I was given
And what I wasn't

This past
Is condemned
But it made me
Cold enough to endure

If this is my foundation
Then so be it
I stand on ruins
And I remain