Jerry Likes My Corn

Edith
Jerry likes the way i do my corn
Isn't he a treasure?
More corn?
Look at how he chows right through my corn
It's my only pleasure

I boil it on the hot plate
Till all the juice is gone
Bless his soul
He knows which side my corn is buttered on

Jerry lacks a mother's tender care
Nobody to need him
Mother's now are barely ever there
Someone's gotta feed him

The kind of things that i like
His high school friends all scorn:
Cottage cheese, chamomile,
Dr. norman vincent peale
But, jerry likes my corn

(spoken) the things you do for me, jerry. you're my gibraltar.

Jerry
The corn is out of this world!

Edith
Oh, did i do it nicely? he always compliments me on the way i do my corn!

Jerry is a son like my own two

Little edie
Sons who never phone you

Edith
More salt?

Boys have more important things to do

Little edie
After they disown you

Edith
And though he hardly says much
I understand his grunts
"hey" means "hi"
"yo" means "yes"
Believe me, he's no dunce!

Anything that breaks he knows which tool
Jerry is a fixer

(pointing to little edie) not her

Happy hour starts right after school
Jerry, have a mixer

He tells me things the kids like
And i just feel reborn:
Mountain dew, super bowl,
Sex and drugs and rock n' roll
But, most of all, my corn

(spoken) jerry, you know what i'd like? some music. i'm happier when i'm singing than anything i've ever done since i was
Born. see if you can find that song. oh, you know the one i just adore.

Little edie
Let me help, mother darling, i'm extremely organized. i know exactly where to look for that record…

Edith
No! let jerry.

Little edie
I've got it under control, kid, i can find it.

Edith
Jerry can find things in his house--right on this bed--you couldn't find for half an hour.

Little edie
I'm so sick of that kid! i mean, i have great pity for him and i like him.

Edith
The trouble is she's madly in love with him. oh, pardon me, but it's true.

Little edie
Well, he might as well leave right now cause he's never gonna get it so that's it!

Edith
Get what? sex with you?

Little edie
That's all they're after! that's all they're after!

Edith
An old person like you? good god!

Little edie
Tomcats! all of 'em! so you might as well tell him right now to forget about it.

Edith
Jerry doesn't want any sex with you
Jerry likes his own age

Little edie
Oh yes!

Edith
Kids at seventeen do not pursue
Relics of the stone age

Little edie
Believe me, i can tell these things!

Edith
Jerry doesn't want any sex with you
Jerry isn't crazy
Adolescent girls now are easy lays
Same as edie in her awkward phase

Jerry has a new girl every night
And not a one of them have cellulite…

Little edie
He's gonna be here for years and years and years…

Edith
He doesn't want any sex with you! get out of here!

Litte edie
I want the people i want in this house!

Edith
Go away! you're making me very angry!

Jerry doesn't fight like two fish wives
Jerry likes relaxing
(me too)
Now and then we play my forty-fives
Hear the old sad sax sing

No picnic growing older
Abandon and forlorn
Stuck in bed, stiff with gout
Alcoholic drinks are out--
You'll die!
The doctor's warn
Then quick as a wink
I'm in the pink
'cause jerry likes my corn

(spoken) i tell ya, that boy is a gift.