Thirty

There was a time you put your hand on the small of my back
I was surprised that you touched me like that
But there in your hand was a current of life
I could hardly stand, I stayed still and I didn't mention it
If I did, I'd have made some joke of it
It was strange how I could feel so sane
So plain when you're around

And unbidden to me, there it rose, the fantasy
Colored rose and easy
Yeah, I could see it so simple, unsubtle, impossible, clearly and strange
Far and as close as a mountain range on the horizon
Driving all day, there I was, so sane
So plain after everything

Gas came down from a buck-twenty
The joke was how it broke the economy anyhow
The dollar was down, but my friends opened businesses
There were new children and again, I didn't get married
I wasn't close to my family
And my dad was raising a child in Nairobi
She was three now, he told me

Gas stations I laughed in
I noticed fucking everything
The light, the reflections
Different languages, your expressions
We would fall down laughing
Effervescent
And all over nothing
All over nothing
Just as though it was a joke my whole life through
All of the pain and sorrow I knew
All of the tears that had fallen from my eyes
I can't say why we walked in the park under the shade
I avoided your eyes
I was ashamed of my own mind
No SSRIs
My day is dark as your night

Oh, you got the kindest of eyes
I cannot help but notice sometimes
But you know, as do I
I cannot look twice without falling right
Into the sweet and the tender line between
Something I can and can never be
And just then an ambulance passed on the street
And you took my arm reflexively

That was the year I was thirty
That was the year you were thirty-one
That was the year that we lost, or we won

That was the year I was thirty
That was the year you were thirty-one
That was that year, now here
Now here is another one