I Don't Pray Until It Hurts (Part I: The Pattern)

I only talk to You when I run out of options
And I hate that I know it!

I scroll through everything just to stay numb
Like if I stop, it's all gonna catch up
I know the pattern, I know the loop
I say I'm changing, I never do

I keep my phone on just in case
Something distracts me from what I hate
I've learned to live like this instead
Of dealing with what's in my head

I wait until it's way too much
Then I pretend I'm out of control

I don't pray until it hurts
Until I feel like nothing works
Until I'm backed against the worst
Then I say Your name

I don't look up, I don't reach out
Until I'm breaking down out loud
Like You're the only way out now
But I'm the one to blame

I've had the chance to do this right
But I just push it out of sight
It's easier to stay the same
Than face the things I never changed

I talk like I'm aware of it
Like that alone means something
But knowing doesn't fix a thing
When I still choose to run from it

If I only call when I'm desperate
Do You even hear it the same?
Or am I just repeating
A version of myself I hate?

I don't want help, I want relief
There's a difference and it's killing me
I don't want truth, I want it gone
I don't want change if it takes too long

I don't pray until it hurts
Until I feel like nothing works
Until I'm drowning in the worst
Then I say Your name

I disappear, then reappear
Like somehow You'll still be here
Every time I land in fear
I do the same thing

I know exactly what I'm doing
I just don't stop!