Now, let me tell you 'bout my best friend
Well, her name is Leanne
And she's married to a dumb, dumb man named Carl
Or, she was, that is

Hello?
Well, carl started with his same old shit all over again
Drunk as a skunk, yelling
And he started coming at me while I was frying his eggs in the kitchen
Oh, lord
And the only thing I had to save me was that cast iron skillet
And that white tile ain't so white anymore
And he is face down on the kitchen floor
What?
He ain't moving
And I think he might be dead
Uh-oh
And you're the first person I thought to call

Hypothetically speaking
If you're burying a body
Don't you do it in your basement
'Cause that's the first place they'll check (if they suspect you've done it)
So before you start running
Just dial my number
If you've got a little problem
Hypothetically speaking

Well, now, I did find a letter with a lipstick kiss on it from his secretary
Talking about how they're in love and how they're gonna run off together
Well, that's what you're gonna say 'cause it's definitely what happened
So get your story straight

Hypothetically speaking
You'll cut him into little pieces
I'm talking real little pieces
And then you feed 'em to the gators (those are nationally protected)
And they can't check the gators
For your dead husband
Right now he's just missing
And that's how it's gonna stay

Now, honey, I know he was an asshole
But that's not what you're gonna tell them
You're gonna say that he was an angel
And how you miss him so

Hypothetically speaking
If you're hiding a body (which she definitely isn't)
Put him in a big barrel
And fill it full of acid (and it'll eat him all up)
And then there won't be nothing
For nobody to look for
Just some water in a barrel
From when the rain came through

Hypothetically speaking
Hypothetically speaking
Hypothetically speaking
Hypothetically speaking

Now, accidents, they sure do happen
Even though he had it coming
Well, you know I'm always here for you, baby
Hypothetically speaking

Poor Carl