The Person I Outlived

I found an old photograph
Of somewhere in my face
He looked so sure we'd make it out okay

I remember being him
I just don't know where he went
He used to dream with open eyes
Believe that everything had time

Every goodbye was temporary
Every wound would heal just fine
He thought the people that we loved
Would somehow always stay the same

He didn't know how fast
That life could learn to rearrange
And sometimes when I hear his voice
Inside the things I used to say

I wonder if he recognized me
If we met today
I still remember being you
I still remember what we knew

But somewhere between then and now
I became someone new
I miss the person I outlive
The one who thought we'd be alright

I wear his memories like mine
But I don't recognize his life
And if he could see me now
Would he be proud of what survived?

Would he look into my eyes and ask me
Why I left him behind?
There are names I don't say anymore
Roads I never drive

Songs I still remember
Things I've taught myself to leave behind
There were plans we made at 17
And never learned to breathe

Funny how you mourn the future
That you never got to see
But I kept pieces of then with me
Even when I had to change

The way he loved so easily
The way he wasn't yet afraid
Maybe I didn't lose you
Maybe that's not what we do

Maybe every version disappears
So another makes it through
I miss the person I outlive
The one who thought we'd be alright

I wear his memories like mine
But I don't recognize his life
And if he could see me now
Would he be proud of what survived?

Or would he look into my eyes and ask me
Why I left him behind?
I wish that I could tell him
Some of what he's scared of ends

Some people really do leave
Some strangers become friends
Some dreams don't happen
Some become things he never knew to want

And one day I'll stop asking
Why everything went wrong
I tell him growing up is grieving
Every person you survived

But losing who you used to be
It doesn't mean they had to die
They become the way you carry love
The reason that you try

Maybe I never left him there
Maybe I kept him alive
I kept him alive
I carried every hope I could

I carried every scar
I became the place he couldn't reach
I became who we are
So if I ever meet that boy again

Somewhere inside my mind
I won't apologize for leaving
I'll tell him we survived!
I love the person I outlived

The one who thought we'd be alright
I wear his memories like stars
That only show themselves at night
And if he could see me now

I think he finally recognized
That I never really left him there
I carry him inside
I'm still the person he believed that someday

I could be just older now
A little tired, a little harder to believe
But every version that I lost
Is still a part of what survived

I didn't leave you there to die
I lived a life you couldn't live without me
I outlived you so we could stay alive